2009: THE YEAR OF GETTING POLLED (ouch!) – The Dinglewood Strippers Poll asks, "Do You think the economy will kill local radio media?"
83% - No. We need people to press buttons|
67% - Yes. Look how well satelite radio is doing. Really?
52% - No. Caller #7 can't win
43% - Yes. IPod doesn't sell used cars
29% - No. It's supported by local t-shirt sales
BEAUMONT, TEXAS – "This Entitlement Mentality Is Wrecking the Economy" is the consensus in conservative media today, or so it is stated to those who do not feel others are entitled to anything just for being in the throng of a majority. Professor Juan Hoggnutt believes this to be a perception problem between the have and have-nots in our country. "Well, simply stated, there are those who have worked hard their whole lives only to have what benefits they have earned to be taken away from them. Currently, if they speak up about this, they are labeled with the 'entitlement' tag and classified along with people who truly do expect something for nothing. It’s a sad commentary that this derisive idea is used so frequently that people are literally beat over the head with it if they complain about anything. What is really wrecking the economy is a hording of the wealth, not paying people what they’re worth, and overall criminal behavior among folks who we have trusted to watch over our earned assets." Professor Hoggnutt, still upset that he has yet to master the ponzi scheme as well as others in Jefferson County real estate, could not be reached for further comment.
ROSE CITY, TEXAS - A bit of dust has settled from the current economic crunch at the Dinglewood Times. Lay offs include 5 of our four staff writers and contract finalization of El Crappel Internta~, our outsourced Internet Content Provider. Sales has also been downsized, letting go 4 of our three sales offices. On a positive note, we have bought one (1) box of Mardi Gras beads to be given out to all remaining sponsers in lew of their continued support. To compensate for lost revenue, we will now have to charge our remaining staff for use of our facilities. Paper towles and tissues can now be purchsed in the kitchen for a dollar each. Thanks! More on this story as it develops.
2009: THE YEAR OF GETTING POLLED (ouch!) – The Dinglewood Strippers Poll asks, "What do you think are the important issues in Jefferson County Today?"
77% - Cold, flu, and sinus got us all hockin' up spackle|
59% - Working more hours for less pay
41% - Five dollars for a gallon of milk and three dollars for a loaf of bread
35% - Sneaky utilities like, power and cable raising prices on an unchanged services
18% - a low cost chicken sandwich
2009: THE YEAR OF GETTING POLLED (ouch!) – The Dinglewood Strippers Poll asks, "How is the New Economy effecting you?"
81% - Eating much more canned food|
69% - Using the internet for job searches instead of porn
52% - Last year went to a banquet, this year you're working it
43% - Brewing coffee using the same grounds three or four times
29% - Bosses remind you how lucky you are to be working before cutting your pay
STIMULATE THIS - Here's a wacky idea. Instead of a stimulus check, how about giving every family a car. Yes, even a free car will cost you money; money that could be used pay for insurance, gas, and upkeep for that car. It's like getting a free puppy. Anyone who has ever got a free puppy knows that, that puppy will cost you. Gotta' feed it, give it it's shots, flea bath, powder... uh, what were we talking about?
BACKS OF THE MASSES - "Cost is always passed on to the consumer" has always been an axium of the business world. In recent days, if they can't increase cost/price due to competition, the movement is to "decrease" portion or size. NOw, according to researchers, "Chocolate bars to be made smaller in Government anti-obesity drive". Really. it's chocolate bars that are making our kids fat? Not the lifestyle or the lack of activity? Not the parents? Not video games? Not the fact that we have laced almost every food source we have on the planet with high fructose corn syrup to make it sweeter so it will sell more? Huh... who knew?
CHRONIC CRISIS - Michael Phelps photographed with a giant bong. Lost deal with Kellogs, may be booted from swim team, and the Olympic folks ain't too happy either. Maybe there's a lucritive deal with High Times Magazine and 420 monthly?
STIMULATE ME - President Obama says the economy is no joke, and he's right. Republicans partying on the lobbists dime while Democrats charge it to the taxpayers isn't very funny either. If this where the Jerry Springer show, somebody would have thrown a chair by now.
THIS JUST IN - The Port Arthur Meeting of Pyromaniacs Anonymous has been canceled for Friday, February 9th. Members need not atttend.
JEFFERSON COUNTY NOT SATISFIED WITH IKE/FEMA RESPONSE - It must be that "We're-here-to-help-but-you-don't-qaulify-for-squat" response that so many of us got. "Roof blown away? Hmmm, well roofs are overrated. Think of it as an extra large sun porch." or may be that "Road Underwater? It should be okay, the flood just washed it off..." attitude.
Sent in From Clarence Dijong Pong (might not be his real name, but we don' care, shae'...
YOU MIGHT LIVE IN CALCASIEU PARISH IF...
* The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass.
* You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"
* Every so often, you have waterfront property.
* When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown", "riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee.
A. "Put me Down or I'll give you six weeks of fleas!"
B. "Look! It's a 'BOY' Groundhog..."
B. "Courthouse Security found someone tring to smuggle this in..."
D. "Wow. It smells like urine and hot dogs..."
THE DIGITAL BOWL - We watched the "Weekend Football Game" in Digital Television this weekend on an actual Television Antenna. It was impressive considering the retro fit of this ancient broadcast technology. Sadly, our staff missed the Cable-offered Half Time show, "Cable TV And You", teaching todays youth the dangers of using standard broadcast TV and Radio and direct road to hell that will surly follow. More on this story as it develops.
THIS JUST IN - According to inside sources, the writers of Beaumont Retrogress, LLC website were taken in for questioning after a reported traffic light scan of a licence plate revieled the persons behind the controversial web site were guilty of an unpaid cable bill back in 2003. After being taken into custody it was appearant that the website has not been updated since December 23, 2008 with the secret encoded message, "Spicy Wing" hidden in the cover photo. More on this story as it develops.
HEADLINE NOT IN THE MEDIA #1 - "Local man confused Superbowl not on 5" B/W Tv. Pulls Out Gun."
HEADLINE NOT IN THE MEDIA #2 - "Local Woman divorced for not shutting yap during 4th Quarter of Big Game"
2009: THE YEAR OF GETTING POLLED (ouch!) – This week the Dinglewood Stripper's Poll asks, "Do you think this was one of our best Super (football) Bowls?"
71% - Yes! Won $15 in an office pool!|
59% - NO! Both teams sucked rocks! Lost gobs of money.
38% - Not enough bacon flavored snack items.
26% - What the hell is a "Roethlisberger"?
14% - More damn flags than the United Nations
STIMULATE MY PACKAGE - The new stimulus package passes! hoo-ray! Okay, here' one for you math majors out there. Start with $500 a person to stimulate your personal economy; take out one electric bill at $110, One Water Bill at $70, One Cable TV bill at $149, and one Senate/Congress "measure whittling" at $200 per taxpayer. How much do you have left? Why, yes it is a negitive number... why do you ask?
SURVIVOR: ECONOMY - Want to make money during a financial crisis? Invest in Malox©, Tumms©, Rolaids©, and other Antacids. We'll make a fortune off of Pepto Bismol © . What's that, another budget meeting? Have a round of Prilosec © on us...
CITI BANK WANTS A DAMN JET - You want your tax-bailout dollars to pay for a jet for these poor, suffering executives? Just look at them with those sad eyes, how can you say no? (easy... NO!!!!)
CONSUMER CONFIDENCE - "For some reason, stores are reporting low sales numbers". Perhaps, just maybe, folks have figured out that if you don't have money to spend, you shouldn't spend money. Ya' think there, Sherlock?
CREDIT COMPANYS URGE YOU TO PAY - ...and pay you do. In a recent ad campaign, the message was "Pay your credit cards regularly to avoid damamge to your credit rating and it's okay to let bills like utilities slide in a financial crisis." What? What's that you say, fans-of-logic? Hmmm... Unsecured debt versus keeping the lights on and eating regular. Let me think about that...
ONE BIG FAMILY - Newspaper's running national news over local (mostly since we've iced our local staffs, haven't we?), Local media all ga-ga over syndicated content (DAMMIT! we need MORE Frickin' "Family Guy" reruns! 24 hours a Frickin' day!!!), and local talk radio featuring a LITANY of damn LIMBAUGH clones, each one more charming than the last... Otherwise it's the same 17 songs in heavy rotation of the devil's own playlist from hell. For the love of all that is holy, somebody put a hit out on Ryan Seacrest before we all die!!!
SMILE FOR THE BIRDIE - Cameras to scan for licence plates. They can tell if you are wanted for a crime, owe child support, or maybe just behind on your auto insurance. Comming soon, Forehead I.D. Tattoos with barcodes. The kids will love it.
BLOWING IN THE WIND - Story has it that a major insurance company will be leaving Florida because of the all the Hurricane claims they had to pay. May also be true for Texas. Where is science when you need them. Move the Hurricanes, not the insurance company.
CONGRATS! TO THE STAFF OF THE DINGLEWOOD TIMES! It has come to our attention that we have exceeded our
viewership this week, past that of the other news Papers and web sites in southeast Texas:
Free Cookies for the entire staff! (except you, Joe Bob - YOU KNOW WHY!!!)
I got too many zits! What's a good zit killer?
BEAUMONT, TEXAS – The economic crunch is starting to show in southeast Texas in some of the smaller venues in our area. Indeed from long lines waiting for medicine in the pharmacies and check out lines in stores due to a lower number of available checkers and pharmacists to stale buns and re-warmed food in our local restaurants, the new economy is showing signs. Even the local media is having a few cracks in the iron. As a “trickle-down-crunch” goes, many local radio stations depend on news from the local newspapers and news sources, while the local news papers and news sources depend on news from the local and regional television stations. The local and regional television stations depend on news from large national sources and large national sources depend on news from large resource research groups throughout the country. Many if not most all of the large resource research groups are owned by corporations with deep pockets who can fund research, studies, and opinion polls that influence public opinion and product management. In short, In order to avoid the pitfalls of excess thinking, commercial media advises us to go buy something and spend money we don’t have and some local outlets have a tendency to interpret this as news. Messages such as
“Stimulus check – Buy a new car - Bad economy”
“Tax Refund – 56 inch HDTV – Hurricane Recovery”
“Britney’s New Album – Get Approved Credit – 2000 Laid off”
offer a mixed concept of what is considered “news”. More on this story as it develops.
2009: THE YEAR OF GETTING POLLED – This week the Dinglewood Stripper's Poll asks, "What does the New Economy Mean To You?"
71% - A good chance to learn how to really brown nose and suck up so I can keep my crummy job|
59% - Seeing more job growth in the fast food industry
38% - Throw any avalible slacker under the bus, and always look really busy
26% - settling for the 48" big screen TV instead of the 52"
14% - Looking for low cost snack food alternatives
THIS JUST IN: According to an unnamed local political website (the S.E.TX.P.R.), Local radio station KLVI is to shut down and sold to the Beaumont Enterprise for some Mardi Gras beads, or something. This could spell the end for all nine members of the Al Caldwell morning show. We at the DT's would welcome All 1850 members of the KLVI staff and would love to have a Cup of Dancing Goats with them, anytime. More on this story as it develops.
DEADRAT, TEXAS - Our own Joe Bob Dinglewood attended the Southeast Texas Presidential Inauguration Party
of President Barack Obama, our 44th President. Although this had absolutely nothing to do with Washington,
President Obama, or the actual Inauguration and more to do with Joe Bob wanting to get a six-pack and a
day off, there was still a great time had by all. Here's some highlights...
|Sure. This is a shot from a wax museum in Japan, but we could make a joke about how the festivities where a little stiff... |
|Shakira sings at one of the post party balls. Wish we were there. And her armpit looks awesome!|
|Mr. & Mrs. President dance the night away. Later, everyone got down with the "George Bush Boogie".|
|Later, everyone waves "Bye-bye" to outgoing former President George Bush. |
|Secret Service would have gotten a good workout excorting us from the building... if we were actually there... |
|We wonder if he knows what kinda' insanity he's heading into... |
|That has got to be the greatest hat, ever... |
Cable costs too damn much. Now, they want to charge me .99 cents for a paper bill. You belive that
??? TO mail my bill, not including my bill, it's 42 cents for a stamp, 25 cents
for an envelope, and 19 cents for a check. You know it's now more than If i go down to the Kroger
to pay my cable bill. They charge $1.25 at the desk and get all snooty if you ask any questions.
I mean, Damn! This is real, dog! What can I do?
SIX DROPS SEVEN – KFDM lays off seven employees in light of the new economy or maybe even a preemptive strike. Indeed, there are signs of financial hardships to be watched for, such as your Business Manager frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe." , having Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant.". Others include having your company softball team downsized to chess team, a sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns, having your annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat Booth. Some have seen troubling times when the Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by, or there is a giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters, or even when your ompany dental plan now consists of pliers and string. More on this story as it develops.
LUMBERTON, TEXAS – Signs of economic hard times are starting to show in our community. Take for example Cathy and Larry Hoggnutt. On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to Afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty Years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that For the more
than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied And these were the
Results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you Were doing, I would have given you all my Business!' That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. More on this story as it develops.
THIS JUST IN - Beaumont authorities are on the search of a group
of area youths vandelizing the reputation of the Dallas Cowboys. Some of the
disparagements of virtue include the following statements:
(IT HAS COME TO OUR Attention, from the legal department, that we can NOT use the terms "Dallas" and "Cow" and "Boys" in sequence
to denote a local football team. Therefore, on the advice of "Legal", we will substitute the word "Pies" for "Boys" )
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowpies
Q. What do the Dallas Cowpies and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowpies out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowpies with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.
Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowpies and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Dallas Cowpies does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers and we will never find out!
Q. What do the Dallas Cowpies and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
More on this story as it develops...
GAS PRICES - "Alright. We've kept them low so you'd forget all that alternative fuels mumbo jumbo, but we need to get back to making money... Isn't there a war somewhere... or will be?"
TV SHUFFLE – Let’s see. According to Time Wanker Cable, NBC is now on 14, ABC is still on 5, and there’s the all new FOX 4! Also, added complication, channel 11 is the all new same old KUIL, now known as “The U”. What does it all mean? Who knows, just get ready for a rate increase.
ONE OF THE BAILOUT BOYS -
Federal prosecutors in Manhattan today asked a court to place alleged $50 billion Ponzi scheme operator Bernard Madoff in jail while they continue developing their case against him. Meanwhile, in Washington a Congressional panel was asking what the SEC could have done to prevent the scandal. So what’s next? Looking into a position in Chicago Politics?
UNDERGROUND RUMBLINGS -
The Texas Department of Transportation announced that it has officially killed the Trans Texas Corridor project. Does this have anything to do with a new President taking office? Naw, don’t be silly. Halliburton? What?
OBAMA COINS – Remember consumers, buy only “PRESSED” coins, not no damn “PAINTED” coins. Cheap-ass coins do not increase in value. Savvy investors can do a search for the “Silver Obama”, an actual coin that has actual value. Also, avoid the “Plastic Hillary”. Thanks, Internet!
2009: THE YEAR OF GETTING POLLED – According to a recent Dinglewood Stripper’s Poll, the main concern in the upcoming Obama Presidency will be the surviving of the new economy. A few of the items held in majority opinion are as follows:
67% - Get gobs of free money from the government|
49% - A free holistic health care system based on medieval barbers
31% - Using recycled cans as a career path
24% - Corporate Downsizing based on employee sinus problems
19% - Kooky bosses ready to toss early retirement parties for senior employees
Dear Shiz: We have a situation at work that i just do not understand...
New Years Resolutions for 2009
I resolve to not make stupid resolutions.
I resolve to buy an economic car this year, no matter how much it costs them.
I resolve to shop Beaumont, when they actually have something affordable.
I resolve to ignore every cell phone commercial I hear.
I resolve to frisk myself before entering the county courthouse.
I resolve to quit buying broken crap at Parkdale Mall.
I resolve to get completely drunk in the privacy of my own home on New Years Eve.
I resolve to never trust a Korean girl in a blond wig.
I resolve to keep all my porn on a small thumb drive.
I resolve that stupid people are best at being stupid.
I resolve to pay off all my credit cards with a mortgage.
I resolve to pay off my mortgage with credit cards.
I resolve to gain twelve pounds this year eating nothing but fudge.
I resolve to quit drinking and smoking for fifteen minutes.
Hey Kiddies, we're feelin' mighty festive and askin' all our contributors to send us their Holiday Top 5 lists. Send 'em if ya' got 'em. Otherwise, Ho, ho, ho and shut the hell up. Merry Frickin' X-mas!
Top 5 Causes of Holiday Stress
5. You are told due to budgets, to cut an employee in your department, and you are the only one there.
4. You are standing in a line to get into a store, where you have to stand in a line to check out of.
3. Christmas Cell Phone Ringtones
2. Non Festive Hurricane Damage
1. Skinny Santa Clauses
Top 5 Annoying Holiday Habits
5. Making everything smell like damn cookies...
4. People afraid that some form of the word “Christmas” might offend someone...
3. Cheap crappy gifts covered in red and white fur to look less crappy.
2. People forced to smile “for the damn holidays”.
1. “It’s not damn egg nog, it’s damn melted ice cream!!!”
Top 5 Excuses Your Boss May Have Made About Not Giving a Christmas Bonus This Year
5. “Our Systems were upgraded.”
4. “The Big 3 Automakers are depending on us all.”
3. “The cost of staples and stamps is just outrageous.”
2. “Hurricane Ike effected us all.”
1. “Check out our manager’s new Plasma TV!”
Top 5 Untraceable Unique Free Gifts You Can Just Make Up
5. Fake Certificate for a blade of grass named after someone.
4. Handwritten poem about your recipients left nostril.
3. Printed Crockett Street Gift certificate good for standing in their own personal square foot of space.
2. Handwritten Coupon good for one whole day of being ignored.
1. Parkdale Mall Gift Certificate good for one hour of sitting in a rest area.
Top 5 Holiday Economic Survival Tips
5. In order to cope with the stress of Christmas, liquor stores often have massive clearance sales!
4. Remember that popcorn is cheap, makes some great decorations on the tree, and is filling to keep the quiet during the cartoons.
3. People love antiques, so go ahead and wrap up that old Beta VCR and give It to Aunt Betsy this year.
2. Green and red are Christmas colors, so spoiled leftovers in the icebox can be very festive!
1. If money is tight, remember that Christmas trees are edible.
Top 5 Holiday Bailout Options
5. Big SUVs’ bought back in 2006 now qualify as low cost Summer homes
4. Ultra high 2007 Jefferson County property taxes now deductable as a child care expense.
3. Digital Television now guaranteed viewership as cable utility increase nears yearly household income levels
2. Lone Star Cards now available for CEO/CFO Status
1. Big 3 Car Dealers encouraged to offer Midnight Madness Bake Sales
Top 5 Least Wanted Christmas Bonuses
5. Coupon for Three (3) Spirited Jefferson County Court House Friskings
4. Parkdale Mall Parking Permit
3. Palm “Tree-in-your-name” donated to Ford Park
2. Christmas Stocking filled with Parking Tickets
1. One (1) free legal Hurricane Ike Related consultation at the Stiles Unit (or Gist)
Top 5 Rejected Holiday Gift Ideas
5. Obama Wets-A-Lot Doll
4. Tax-N-Spend Barbie
3. Holiday Poverty CD Collection
2. The All New 2009 Chrysler Bailout SUV
1. Beaumont Bangerz Bling Bouquet
Top 5 New Undisclosed Security Measures taken at the Jefferson County Court House
5. Three words: Bullet Proof Ties
4. Local homeless now have to talk to themselves using handy secret service sleeve mics.
3. Hookers pick up some pocket change as the “Night Patrol”
2. Court House staff now subject to unwarranted Lunch Seizure.
1. Mayor must now wear Kevlar Hair Piece
Top 5 Jefferson County Christmas Buys
5. Cement Guard Dogs that can be chained to your yard
4. Exploding Personal Computers that targets downloaded porn
3. Sweet Sixteen Bratz Tequila Shooters
2. Junior Crockett Street Investors Kit
1. President Obama E-Z Bake Tax Plan
WITH HAT IN HAND – The automakers go to Washington to ask for financial help in the billion dollar bailout. They are so broke, they could only take their own personal jets for the Journey. In other news, The United Auto Workers union called on Congress and the Bush administration on Thursday to get a loan to U.S. automakers to prevent their collapse before the legislature adjourns Friday. Well, as long as the taxpayers don’t have to pay for it… oh, wait… nevermind…
TABC – Leave it to the resourceful folks in our area to find a true, stable source of income – booze!
IT’S CHRISTMAS, DAMMIT! – Bah Humbug? Huh? What happened to Gobble, gobble?
IT’S D-T-V, DAMMIT! – With this nationwide upgrade on or about February 2009, we will be able to see pictures and news stories on television better than ever before. Only problem is, that the brightness control still doesn’t make it any more intelligent.
IT’S TAXES, DAMMIT! – the property tax bills are out and they are scarier than ever. Funny we are just now catching up to the 2006 real estate bubble in Southeast Texas. Somewhere about 2010, we should be catching up the internet boom, huh?
IT’S FEMA, DAMMIT! – Ronald Reagan said it best, “The Scariest words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.’” And help they will. They can’t give you cash, can’t give you advice, can’t build you a new roof, but here’s a trailer you can use for six months until your city fines you for having a trailer on your property. That’s swell. Here, sign this – we need to do a background check.
Well, well, well. Big Daddy is back in town and filled to the rim with Pepsi and Vinegar. For too long we have let things slip by unnoticed but there is a new Sheriff in town. With President Elect Obama comes hope and change and you and I both know that change can be as painful as a cat giving birth to a litter of Alligators. But let’s not fool ourselves, any scientist can tell you that going from 0.0005 to 0.0004 is a change. Not that we’ll be keen observers of the human soul and pick up on it. We’re expecting more of the same. We’re not going from angel food to chocolate cake, we going from white bread to wheat and personally, we feel sorry for the folks who just can’t see that. We doubt they’ll take our guns, why take away a prime source of tax revenue? Expect a bullet tax and weapon user fee. That thought being expressed, let’s check a few of the headlines…
OBAMA-RAMA: PART ONE – His election is a truly fascinating point in history. We’ve never seen so many freaked out white people in our lives. Hushed rooms quietly exchanging the newest in a line of “He’s Black So It’s Funny” jokes. Ooops, watch out, Jenny. Your sheet is showing.
OBAMA-RAMA: PART TWO – Don’t think you are going to get away with anything either, Leroy. Just cause he’s a brother don’t mean he’s your brother. Remember, this is the Government. The only color they’re gonna’ favor is “dollar green”
$750B BAILOUT – No, we haven’t forgotten. This money does not just appear out of nowhere. Check your pockets at the door, Taxpayer.
CROCKETT STREET RAID – We are told that it was alcohol that was seized. Truth is, they wanted money for that permit. “Did they check clear? Okay, you can have you booze back…”
IKE AFTERMATH – The old boy did a number on us as well. We love hearing the FEMA “Face” guys saying that no one is coming forward and asking for help. We came, we talked, we got more song and dance numbers than “High School Musical 3”. Well, we will rebuild. You know the drill, boys. Lawyer-up and let ‘em fly.
WORMWOOD, TEXAS - All eyes turn to the Presidential election as the little town of Wormwood, Texas steps into the political
arena. Edna Hoggnut, age 96 is planning to vote for the first time in her
life, in the 2008 Presidential election. According to Mrs. Hoggnut, "I was motivated to register this year 'cause there
was this 'mooslum' feller running for office. I don't recon' I'm too fond of that idea. I don't think they's would hunt
moose. Is there moose over in the 'mooslum' world? I kinda' like that moose huntin' woman. She reminds my of my
grandaughter Gina". Indeed, most people have personal voting motivations when it comes to the election at hand. In fact,
recent Poll numbers indicate that fact:
Other Items Covered include:
18% - Americans who thought of electing some sort of animal to office
15% - Americans who thought of actually voting for some sort of animal in office
11% - Americans who want George W. Bush to run for a third term
6% - Americans who thought William Howard Taft was still alive
WORMWOOD, TEXAS – Rebuilding has started of the town square torn apart by Hurricane Ike. One longtime resident said that the storm reminder her of the hurricane of 1900, during which time the towns livestock numbers doubled overnight as many misplaced cows found their new place of residence. “The Storm just ripped up almost all of new portable buildings around the school. To be fair, they really were not made to be in 90 mile per hour winds.”, says Kelsey Hoggnutt, headmaster of Wormwood Junior High School. According to Dr. Hoggnutt, “They used to just call me the principal, but we kinda’ liked the way the word ‘headmaster’ sounded cooler.” Particularly decimated was Viagra Farms as wood and trees are down, flattened, and scattered all around. More on this story as it develops.
JEFFERSON COUNTY - A public school teacher was arrested today at the Jefferson County Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-gebra is a problem for us,' the Attorney General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, Senator Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." Democratic leaders told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Senator. More on this story as it develops...
BEAUMONT, TEXAS – Referred to by some political nardowells as the “Downtown Ditch” or the “Beaumont Bathtub”, Little Kemah is underway as reconstruction mania hits Beaumont’s main streets Researchers have found evidence of the German Steuerzahler that once flourished in Texas and Louisiana. The German Steuerzahler was hunted to extinction around the area of Ford Park and Parkdale Mall and was almost about to make a comeback in the Beaumont Downtown area. Sadly, the Southeast Texas Steuerzahler may never have it’s voice heard in Jefferson county ever again. Local officials are not concerned as there are several other speciecs waiting to take it’s place. More on this story as it develops.
WORMWOOD, TEXAS – Economic slowdown hits hard today as the last Soda Shop in Hoggnut County closes its doors. “We’re not as fortunate as our kin in Rose City”, Says Rita Finger, longtime resident of Wormwood. “There is a pretty good chance our whole town may be wiped off the map if things don’t pick up around here.” Indeed, the small town of Wormwood (population 71) is in dire need of financial stimulus and has many city leaders considering lots of money making ideas. “The best I’ve heard yet is incorporating and branding the town”, states Mayor Silas Hoggnut. “We’re gonna’ do like they do on that NASCAR and just start putting logos all over the town to bring in advertising. No holes barred, everything is for sale.” The town hall meeting was held at Viagra Farm, right down the road from the Budweiser Chicken Ranch. More on this story as it develops...
CITY WANTS TAX MONEY FROM CROCKETT STREET - As if they haven't taken enough hits in the past couple of months, Beaumont won't take trade in chicken fried steaks. Our advice? Get it in cash and X-ray the bills.
EARTHQUAKE SHAKES THE TV SET OF JUDGE JUDY - For all the evangelicals that thought God was making a point with hurricain Katrina, what's the message here?
FORD PARK: PART DEAUX - Just think, we'll never have to worry about voting wether or not we want our tax money to go for anything. It's already covered, you silly citizen. They have your best interest at heart. Trust them.
LOCAL FOX RADIO GOES OFF THE AIR IN PROTEST OF HIGH GAS PRICES - That's it. That's gotta' be it.
ROSE CITY, TEXAS - Velma Huggnut was fined by the Rose City Chamber of Commerce this week for having an inordinate amount of pets in and around her house. Earlier in the week, she had petitioned the city council for a petting zoo permit and was denied on the basis that the type and amount of animals in her facility did not qualify as a zoo. According to one investigator, “We counted seventeen dogs, thirteen cats, twelve ferrets, and about five dozen roaches. The only dang thing in cages was her two children – everything else was running around as loose as Britney Spears morals. Disgraceful.” Miss Huggnut was given two weeks to appeal on the basis that the children be fed as regularly as the ferrets. More on this story as it develops.
BEAUMONT'S LITTLE KEMAH - This will be a welcome change from our current "Little Detroit" in Downtown Beaumont and "Little Kosovo" in Downtown Port Arthur
KRYSTAL BURGER BITES IT - We'll miss this place. Dammit, we need a breakfast bowl. All that grease in a single scoop, yummm.
2 DEAD IN TEXAS AS SALMONELLA SICKNESS TAKES TOLL - Wash your damn food people and don't trust the dirty fingered.
FLIP-FLOPS -n- WAFFELS - Golly, politics makes me hungry.
ROSE CITY, TEXAS - Longtime resident Richard Hoggnut was rushed to Christus St. Elizabeth hospital this weekend after a firework related incident. Mr. Hoggnut ingested several blackcat fire crackers after being pulled over by state trooper Bubba Ray Wiggly. According to Officer Wiggly he was attempting to remove evidence of recent firework purchases in order to avoid a fine. Mr. Hoggnut’s fine was $500 and time served. More on this story as it develops…
BEAUMONT, TEXAS – One of the hottest items to hit the streets this summer is the Scooter. You can save money on gas and look stylish and cool at the same time. Local residents have taken up the look of the scooters with a curious amount of what is referred to “bling”. According to one member of the community, “You see, I borrowed dis bike from my cousin an’ he was all like, ‘Yo Larry, I’m gonna’ cap yo azz if you scratch it’, and I was all like, yea, yea, yea. But, yo, check it, 53 M.P.G. is da’ bomb, dogg. Whys ain’t like Chevy workin this shit? Damn, gas shop suckin up my dead presidents, yo?”. More on this story as it develops…
LUMBERTON, TEXAS – Not to be outdone by Beaumont Recyclers, the Lumberton Chamber of Commerce announced plans for citywide recycling to start this summer. Although, some residents admit that they moved to Lumberton to get away from garbage. For these residents, select garbage will be delivered via UPS with a small shipping and handling fee so that they may join in the recycling effort. “Goody! Muffy, we get to recycle with the regular people! Yea!”. More on this story as it develops.
ROSE CITY, TEXAS – Gasoline rumor mongering is running at an all time high success rate according to the L.E.E. Chairman, Rob Emblind. “I am glad we can keep these record profits going for a while. Our strategy of starting rumors of a price increase every Wednesday and Thursday has worked rather well and is keeping sales up despite discussions of embargos and boycotts.” Meanwhile, Professor Juan Hognutt may have found a solution to the fabled gasoline crunch. “For a while now, we have been researching making fuels from corn, rice, and even potatoes. Now, thanks to a newly discovered chemical reaction between tomatoes and simple bacteria, all of our gas problems could be solved! What? What do you mean… No tomatoes?” More on this story as it develops.
WASHINGTON D.C. – Barack Obama received the Democratic Presidential Candidate nomination this week, which according to Reverend Jeremiah Wrong could very well be the fifth sign of the apocalypse. “That man is the devil incarnate. He is a dang ol’ Muslim an’ all ‘em folks is just evil. An’ what’s worse he’s posein’ as a Democrat. All ‘em dang people have the morals of a San Francisco Liberal with three daddies. They’re sending us on the happy trails bus ride to hell.” Ida May Hoggnut, longtime Rose City, Texas Democrat invited Rev. Wrong over to her house for a spirited debate and large blunt object applied to his skull. More on this story as it develops.
ROSE CITY, TEXAS – Billy Ray Dinglewood, little brother of Joe Bob Dinglewood has announced that he is to become a writer. “My first book is going to be about the lives and loves of myself in high school. I’m going to call it, ‘ROMANCE AFTER THIRD PERIOD’”, says the future author. He hopes to capitalize on the recent rash of stories involving student / teacher lust in the hot afternoon. Big brother Joe Bob feels this could be a detriment to the family, not to mention the legal implications that could follow such a work. To quote Joe Bob, “I had a crush on Miss Figjuggs back in 6th grade. Now If I would have pounced on that, I’d still be under the damn jail.” Billy Ray concluded that is why Joe Bob got such lousy grades. More on this story as it develops.
BEAUMONT, TEXAS – In a recent story, it was pointed out that crime is again on the increase in Southeast Texas. In an effort to head off any frivolous lawsuits, Jefferson County Commissioners’ Court today voted to do away with all knife use in Jefferson County. This was considered devastating news to the many steak houses and buffet restaurants in our area. More on this story as it develops.
LUMBERTON, TEXAS – As summer gets underway in Southeast Texas, the price of gas is climbing with no end in sight. Chester Hognutt, local bicycle reseller has reported an increase in business by 75% in past few months. Chester says, “Not many folks have considered the lucrative field of used bicycle sales. You can buy low and sale high, and make a nice little profit from the neighborhood kids. They bring me bikes all the time that I can buy for just a few bucks. Don’t know where they keep getting ‘em though.” Meanwhile, authorities are on the lookout for an unidentified group of youths who have been stealing from the local Wal-Mart sporting goods department. More on this story as it develops.
ROSE CITY, TEXAS - The man to talk to these days is the one and only, Joe Bob Dinglewood. Since the departure of Dr. Eugene Dingus Pong, Mr. Dinglewood is now acting CEO and counsel-at-large of L.E.E. Industries, one of the largest and powerful business organizations in Southeast Texas today. It is no secret that his hands are quite full picking up the pieces of the former Pong Empire and attempting to salvage what can be salvaged from the rubble. Ida May Hoggnutt, Mother of Prof. Juan Hoggnutt has enlisted her services as spokesperson for the League of Everyday Evil, with the recent departure of Pat McCann. Ida May, age 89, is a real firecracker and looking forward to many perks and freebies. More on this story as it develops.
BEAUMONT, TEXAS - Beaumont City Counsel is voting today on whether or not to create a new city based gas tax. "These Hummers can get a bit pricey and we've got a new batch to arrive anyday", says one city offical. "You see, we tried packing all of our staff in one of those dinky hybrids and it just didn't work out. Nancy just has this uncomfortable gastrointestinal problem." More on this story as it develops.
B.I.S.D. IS ACCEPTABLE - "We're better than good, we're acceptable!" That is the feeling all around Jefferson County this week as our area centers of learning proudly keep their "Acceptable Status" amoungst other areas of educational greater status. According to one school member, "It is very good to be accepted these days. It means that we can pass almost any test given to us by 50% or better! Now, THAT says something." Way to go, BISD!
VIDOR, TEXAS - A local Vidor man is suing the Shell station on Main Street in Vidor over what he refers to as inflated and misrepresented gas prices. According to Billy Ray Hoggnutt, "I went into the gas station today and Asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt. Stop laughing, that's not funny...". Yes it is - more on this story as it develops.
ORANGE, TEXAS – In court this week, a blind man filed an appeal on behalf of the blind across America claiming that the automobile is unfair to the blind and therefore is discriminatory. “It is unfair that the blind cannot drive, and until the auto industry realizes this, it will never be.”, was the statement given to the press after the appeal. According to his lawyer, “Does Mr. Smith have a case? I believe he does. We are researching right now if there has ever been a driver’s license issued to a blind person in Southeast Texas. That does not include people who are just bad drivers or anybody born in Houston.” More on this story as it develops.
ROSE CITY,TEXAS - "Well, I guess by now it's no secret. Rumors are true. Doc Pong has skipped town". This shocking news was revieled at a recent press conferance held at the ROSE CITY INN by Joe Bob Dinglewood. "PNN Newz was sold to a Mr. A. Caldwell for several rent houses and a used margarita machine. About four weeks ago, it was learned that Dr. Eugene Dingus Pong and our own Pat McCann have skipped the country, whereabouts unknown. We suspect that they have run to North Korea, thanks to an invite from Kim Jong Il. However, the state of our news division is in shambels. In lieu of actual leadership, we have taken over what is left of this broken 'shi - uh, legacy... and will attempt to publish... something... We're taking no questions at this time." The remaining members of L.E.E. ask that you consider a donation to Rob Emblind - L.E.E. Republican Party Chairman, Former Insider Trader, who is grieving over the loss of his totally hot wife, Pat McCann. More on this story as it develops.
ECONOMIC STIMULUS - In a recent on the street interview with local people at an undisclosed shopping mall, we asked what people plan to do with their Tax Stimulus Rebates. Overwhelmingly, most people agreed they liked the idea of food, electricity, and gas as a spending option. One comment was, "You DO know you are not really getting any FREE MONEY, right? You are getting back a tiny damn bit of the money you have paid the governemnt all these damn years. If they really wanted to help you, they'd stop taxin' ya' so damn much." The office of county tax collector could not be reached for comment. We didn't even try. More on this story as it develops.
FRED, TEXAS - In a frightening trend, a local service station has agreed to take "trade" for fuel. According to the acting local service station owner, "Oh, hell yeah... you seen the price of that damn milk and bread. As long as Bubba Ray is on vacation, we will be glad to trade you a gallon of milk to a gallon of gas - check that expirein' date, and we prefer it cold. No soy, please...". More on this story as it develops.
JEFFERSON COUNTY - In a bold move, the county legislature has voted to remove the words, "In God We Trust" from all currency in and out of Jefferson County. "We took the example from Beaumont where they removed 'God Bless America' from the city buses", says one local official. "Well, it's not the 'God' part that people found offensive. They were upset over the words 'Trust' and 'America', according to one of the focus groups...". More on this story as it develops.
BEAUMONT, TEXAS - The Media reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do. More on this story as it develops.
PORT ARTHUR, TEXAS - In a statement from local Exxon officials, they apologize for making record profits off of the recent fuel prices. As a goodwill gesture for 2009, each driver that uses Exxon gas and has a vehicle older than five years old, will recieve in the mail a coupon good for two free car washes. "It's our way of giving back to the community, because we care", was the message given at press time. More on this story as it develops.
FREEZYURBUTT, ALASKA - For some time politicians have debated about drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. In a new proposal from the Texas Senate, there is a compromise offered. "We believe", said one local Senator, "That we can save the animals in the refuge by bringing them to some of our open areas here in Texas and domesticating them. In our proposal, we have worked a deal with PetSmart to sell Polar Bears and Caribou in Southeast Texas. Now, folks can save these rare creatures in their own back yards. They're just like great, big dogs - feed 'em, pet 'em, love 'em. Kids think they're great." More on this story as it develops.
BEAUMONT, TEXAS - Beaumont is getting ready to host the annual "CODGERS WITH CASH" Bus tours for 2008. During this two week bus tour, old folks with loads of dough are carted around to area business and encouraged to spend their grandchildren's inheritance. According to Pat McCann, Spokesperson for the League of Everyday Evil, this is a yearly event and pumps happy loads of cash into the local economy. Drink up, Paw-paw.
GLOBAL WARMING - 13% of America has not heard of it. 39% of America don't believe in it. 48% of America is freezing their ass off right now.
BEAUMONT HEALTH CARE - Return with us to the days of the wild west, where the men are men and the women are glad there is health insurance.
IF YOU THINK THE FAT ARE WEAK - Never get between chubby Beaumonters and their Chedder's © tender ribs at Taste of the Triangle. We're not sure, but we think someone took a bite out of our shoulder. Damn!