YOU MIGHT LIVE IN JEFFERSON COUNTY IF,
...a raise in the minimum wage would bankrupt a company with three employees.
...gas prices and cigarettes are about even in price.
...you can no longer barbeque because of the smoking ban.
...there is a $17M tax surplus and they STILL get raised.
...there is a battle for the best chicken sandwich in town.
...cigarettes and medications are cheaper on the internet.
..."Hooters" is immoral, according to the woman who just left the "Tonga".
...traffic always gets heavier on I-10 during happy hour.
...you can't put nothing near Ford Park, but more Ford Park.
...you blame "MySpace" for your 14 year old kid claiming to be 19.
...your mosquitoes can scare off burglers!
...your school board calls ENRON "amateurs".
...the majority of your crime makes it's getaway on I-10 at happy hour.
...the ground was so dry, it took 5 days of constant rain to get a "flood watch".
...the biggest news story of the week was about... Hooters?
..."you are just so beat down with corruption that you just do not care anymore."
...you used your FEMA money for a sex change operation.
...a blog qualifies you for public office.
...the last raise you got was before the turn of the century (1998?).
...you write your girlfriends' name on your hand in case you can't remember.
...you can dial 911 on a rotary phone.
...FEMA calls and asks if you enjoyed the money.
...you paid your utility bills in pesos.
...your elected officials have "side lines".
...you prepare for Hurricane season by taking a course in "Bartending".
...street gangs actually have a billing department.
...your GPS doesn't even know where it's at.
...crime is down, but there is more of it.
...your city is preparing for hurricane evacuation with monster truck bus hybrids!
...your FEMA trailer is still in better shape than your house.
...highway construction is considered a career.
...you have three cell phones with three different services, just in case of hurricane.
...you "lay low" by making a noise ordinance violation.
...you have ever made a down payment on meat!
...police cars move at the speed of ice cream trucks.
...you hear a siren and know your neighbor across the street must be home.
...your kids get meatloaf surprise at the school cafeteria and the schoolboard gets surprise meat and "THEY" loaf.
...your idea vacation is having your phone turned off.
...you have a vote recount, before the votes are counted.
...you have a recall election, before the votes are counted.
...you have ever won an election by a half a vote.
...your liver and your house have about the same property value.
...the most exciting ride at the fair was "Thug Escape 2006".
...the term "Brokeback Mountain" describes your utility bill.
...you are pissed off because a $1.00 cup of coffee cost you $4.99.
...you have to pay for five-year-old school text books, again this year.
...summer vacation really means summer job.
...the utilities raise summer rates because of winter gas prices.
...the phrase, "throw ‘em under the bus" keeps coming up in school board meetings.
...you are worried more about illegal rate increases than illegal aliens.
...the cafeteria has more culture growth than the hospital it’s in.
...the schools worry more about finding a student hit list rather than why there is a student hit list in the first place.
...County government worries more about funny pictures over the Internet than the reason there is funny pictures over the Internet.
...your roofer is selling all those left over tiles that you paid for.
...F.E.M.A. starts sending you credit card offers.
...county pollsters stop calling because they are afraid you’ll give honest answers.
...grandma accuses you of cussing every time you use the word "blogger".
...the cost of gas is about equal to the cost of cigarettes, or soon will be.
...they politically attack you on character instead of issues because that’s all you got.
...you think a "red neck" festival is too sophisticated.
...the bookmark you bought at the mall costs MORE than the book you’re reading.
...you were given an award for being a "Rita Responder" and you evacuated like everybody else.
...you have ever been lapped by the kids on Dowlen Road.
...you are already planning to spend next years $2000 from F.E.M.A..
...you can’t get pizza or police in your neighborhood.
...you laugh when you hear gunshots.
...you boycotted any Rita Award ceremony because you knew the real heroes were never honored.
...you have back taxes that go back to the 80’s and we don’t mean 1980s’.
...more than deer and snakes mate in your local parks.
...no one knows the definition of "ethics".
...more people are worried about "MySpace" than their own backyard.
...you have to pay $10 to park on a free public beach.
...the perverts are calling the other perverts perverted.
...you have a Fair because your State Fair is unfair.
...the local media is -NOW- calling twenty year old school buses unsafe.
...local wetlands get more Rita Relief than local homeowners.
...your teacher is afraid to even be seen talking to your kid.
...Tom Delay is courageous, persecuted, and well-liked, yet GUILTY.
...highway construction is delayed because of bird flu.
...highway construction is delayed because of gas price increases.
...highway construction is delayed because of local bloggers.
...highway construction is delayed because of medical coverage.
...highway construction is delayed because they painted the streets during the day instead of the night time when everybody else does it.
...you have ever had a smoking section at your High School.
...the Republican Conservatives find the Democratic Conservatives a little too conservative.
...you have to make a split decision between lotto tickets and medication.
...someone yells, “FIRE” and people hit the ground instead of looking for smoke.
...you yell at the radio every time there is an accident report.
...you have ever had the urge to write your congressmen about the price of coffee going up.
...you are glad your boss takes more sick days than you do.
...your best paying job involves a paper hat.
...you had to quit your job at the library because it was too stressful.
...you voted on a new electronic voting machine and ended up playing Tetris.
...getting a day off means you have that new stomach virus that’s out.
...the floor is so dirty at the grocery store you don’t want to buy stuff off the bottom shelf.
...rap lyrics describe your high school a little too well.
...you have ever asked for the autograph of the TV newsman.
...you only listen to AM radio for Rush Limbaugh or High School Football.
...you think that Carl Griffith looks like Opie from the Andy Griffith Show.
...you have ever balanced your checkbook waiting for I-10 Traffic to clear.
...you giggle at the name “Glasscock” but have no idea what the man is running for.
...vacation means a weekend in Galveston.
...you measure distance in hours.
...you had to switch from Heat to A/C in the same day.
...you remember the word “Triplex”.
...coldbeer is one word.
...burglar bars cover the inside of your house.
...you believe the crime rate is high because of a lack of funding.
...you have ever hoped to BE picked for Jury Duty in the courthouse.
...you go to a store that sells beer and bait for the best beef jerky.
...your boat has a better parking spot than your car.
...you have ever had crime scene tape anywhere on your house.
...your tail lights are made out of red duct tape.
...you think there is too much nepotism on the city council because they didn’t hire your brother to work with you on your job.
...you don’t know what nepotism means.
...you are involved in a custody fight over a bird dog.
...the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying planes.
...you have ever attempted to barbecue Spam or tuna.
...you are afraid to wash your car because you could lose paint.
...bikers back down from your mamma.
...you have ever shot a squirrel from your kitchen window.
...you and your refrigerator weigh about the same.
...you only eat buffet style so you can justify the expense.
...it’s easier to spray weed killer on your yard than mow it.
...your biggest lose during the hurricane was a car on blocks.
...you bring your dog to work with you.
...you keep cans of Spam, tuna, or packets of granola with you – just in case of a hurricane.
...you know the detectives that are following you by their first name.
...you wake up with both a black eye and a hicky.
...you hear a siren and are grateful it’s not for you.
...you have ever paid a $450 parking ticket.
...you have ever paid a $200 loitering ticket.
...your kids’ school counts a flack jacket as a “school supply”.
...you or anyone you know owns a stuffed opossum.
...you have ever made a game of counting broken car windows.
...you are excited about a visit to the area Burger King.
...you have ever gotten into a fight for having a broken leg.
...your kids use terms like pimp and ho and have no idea what they mean.
...you have ever heard gunshots at the courthouse.
...people on the street come up to you and try to sell you realestate.
...you have ever paid for a cab ride to Ford Park because you didn’t feel like all the driving.
...you have ever cleared your schedule for high school football.
...you have ever run for elected office just to get a better place to park.
...you have ever caught a buzz living next to a refinery.
