YOU MIGHT LIVE IN JEFFERSON COUNTY IF,

  • ...a raise in the minimum wage would bankrupt a company with three employees.
  • ...gas prices and cigarettes are about even in price.
  • ...you can no longer barbeque because of the smoking ban.
  • ...there is a $17M tax surplus and they STILL get raised.
  • ...there is a battle for the best chicken sandwich in town.
  • ...cigarettes and medications are cheaper on the internet.
  • ..."Hooters" is immoral, according to the woman who just left the "Tonga".
  • ...traffic always gets heavier on I-10 during happy hour.
  • ...you can't put nothing near Ford Park, but more Ford Park.
  • ...you blame "MySpace" for your 14 year old kid claiming to be 19.
  • ...your mosquitoes can scare off burglers!
  • ...your school board calls ENRON "amateurs".
  • ...the majority of your crime makes it's getaway on I-10 at happy hour.
  • ...the ground was so dry, it took 5 days of constant rain to get a "flood watch".
  • ...the biggest news story of the week was about... Hooters?
  • ..."you are just so beat down with corruption that you just do not care anymore."
  • ...you used your FEMA money for a sex change operation.
  • ...a blog qualifies you for public office.
  • ...the last raise you got was before the turn of the century (1998?).
  • ...you write your girlfriends' name on your hand in case you can't remember.
  • ...you can dial 911 on a rotary phone.
  • ...FEMA calls and asks if you enjoyed the money.
  • ...you paid your utility bills in pesos.
  • ...your elected officials have "side lines".
  • ...you prepare for Hurricane season by taking a course in "Bartending".
  • ...street gangs actually have a billing department.
  • ...your GPS doesn't even know where it's at.
  • ...crime is down, but there is more of it.
  • ...your city is preparing for hurricane evacuation with monster truck bus hybrids!
  • ...your FEMA trailer is still in better shape than your house.
  • ...highway construction is considered a career.
  • ...you have three cell phones with three different services, just in case of hurricane.
  • ...you "lay low" by making a noise ordinance violation.
  • ...you have ever made a down payment on meat!
  • ...police cars move at the speed of ice cream trucks.
  • ...you hear a siren and know your neighbor across the street must be home.
  • ...your kids get meatloaf surprise at the school cafeteria and the schoolboard gets surprise meat and "THEY" loaf.
  • ...your idea vacation is having your phone turned off.
  • ...you have a vote recount, before the votes are counted.
  • ...you have a recall election, before the votes are counted.
  • ...you have ever won an election by a half a vote.
  • ...your liver and your house have about the same property value.
  • ...the most exciting ride at the fair was "Thug Escape 2006".
  • ...the term "Brokeback Mountain" describes your utility bill.
  • ...you are pissed off because a $1.00 cup of coffee cost you $4.99.
  • ...you have to pay for five-year-old school text books, again this year.
  • ...summer vacation really means summer job.
  • ...the utilities raise summer rates because of winter gas prices.
  • ...the phrase, "throw ‘em under the bus" keeps coming up in school board meetings.
  • ...you are worried more about illegal rate increases than illegal aliens.
  • ...the cafeteria has more culture growth than the hospital it’s in.
  • ...the schools worry more about finding a student hit list rather than why there is a student hit list in the first place.
  • ...County government worries more about funny pictures over the Internet than the reason there is funny pictures over the Internet.
  • ...your roofer is selling all those left over tiles that you paid for.
  • ...F.E.M.A. starts sending you credit card offers.
  • ...county pollsters stop calling because they are afraid you’ll give honest answers.
  • ...grandma accuses you of cussing every time you use the word "blogger".
  • ...the cost of gas is about equal to the cost of cigarettes, or soon will be.
  • ...they politically attack you on character instead of issues because that’s all you got.
  • ...you think a "red neck" festival is too sophisticated.
  • ...the bookmark you bought at the mall costs MORE than the book you’re reading.
  • ...you were given an award for being a "Rita Responder" and you evacuated like everybody else.
  • ...you have ever been lapped by the kids on Dowlen Road.
  • ...you are already planning to spend next years $2000 from F.E.M.A..
  • ...you can’t get pizza or police in your neighborhood.
  • ...you laugh when you hear gunshots.
  • ...you boycotted any Rita Award ceremony because you knew the real heroes were never honored.
  • ...you have back taxes that go back to the 80’s and we don’t mean 1980s’.
  • ...more than deer and snakes mate in your local parks.
  • ...no one knows the definition of "ethics".
  • ...more people are worried about "MySpace" than their own backyard.
  • ...you have to pay $10 to park on a free public beach.
  • ...the perverts are calling the other perverts perverted.
  • ...you have a Fair because your State Fair is unfair.
  • ...the local media is -NOW- calling twenty year old school buses unsafe.
  • ...local wetlands get more Rita Relief than local homeowners.
  • ...your teacher is afraid to even be seen talking to your kid.
  • ...Tom Delay is courageous, persecuted, and well-liked, yet GUILTY.
  • ...highway construction is delayed because of bird flu.
  • ...highway construction is delayed because of gas price increases.
  • ...highway construction is delayed because of local bloggers.
  • ...highway construction is delayed because of medical coverage.
  • ...highway construction is delayed because they painted the streets during the day instead of the night time when everybody else does it.
  • ...you have ever had a smoking section at your High School.
  • ...the Republican Conservatives find the Democratic Conservatives a little too conservative.
  • ...you have to make a split decision between lotto tickets and medication.
  • ...someone yells, “FIRE” and people hit the ground instead of looking for smoke.
  • ...you yell at the radio every time there is an accident report.
  • ...you have ever had the urge to write your congressmen about the price of coffee going up.
  • ...you are glad your boss takes more sick days than you do.
  • ...your best paying job involves a paper hat.
  • ...you had to quit your job at the library because it was too stressful.
  • ...you voted on a new electronic voting machine and ended up playing Tetris.
  • ...getting a day off means you have that new stomach virus that’s out.
  • ...the floor is so dirty at the grocery store you don’t want to buy stuff off the bottom shelf.
  • ...rap lyrics describe your high school a little too well.
  • ...you have ever asked for the autograph of the TV newsman.
  • ...you only listen to AM radio for Rush Limbaugh or High School Football.
  • ...you think that Carl Griffith looks like Opie from the Andy Griffith Show.
  • ...you have ever balanced your checkbook waiting for I-10 Traffic to clear.
  • ...you giggle at the name “Glasscock” but have no idea what the man is running for.
  • ...vacation means a weekend in Galveston.
  • ...you measure distance in hours.
  • ...you had to switch from Heat to A/C in the same day.
  • ...you remember the word “Triplex”.
  • ...coldbeer is one word.
  • ...burglar bars cover the inside of your house.
  • ...you believe the crime rate is high because of a lack of funding.
  • ...you have ever hoped to BE picked for Jury Duty in the courthouse.
  • ...you go to a store that sells beer and bait for the best beef jerky.
  • ...your boat has a better parking spot than your car.
  • ...you have ever had crime scene tape anywhere on your house.
  • ...your tail lights are made out of red duct tape.
  • ...you think there is too much nepotism on the city council because they didn’t hire your brother to work with you on your job.
  • ...you don’t know what nepotism means.
  • ...you are involved in a custody fight over a bird dog.
  • ...the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying planes.
  • ...you have ever attempted to barbecue Spam or tuna.
  • ...you are afraid to wash your car because you could lose paint.
  • ...bikers back down from your mamma.
  • ...you have ever shot a squirrel from your kitchen window.
  • ...you and your refrigerator weigh about the same.
  • ...you only eat buffet style so you can justify the expense.
  • ...it’s easier to spray weed killer on your yard than mow it.
  • ...your biggest lose during the hurricane was a car on blocks.
  • ...you bring your dog to work with you.
  • ...you keep cans of Spam, tuna, or packets of granola with you – just in case of a hurricane.
  • ...you know the detectives that are following you by their first name.
  • ...you wake up with both a black eye and a hicky.
  • ...you hear a siren and are grateful it’s not for you.
  • ...you have ever paid a $450 parking ticket.
  • ...you have ever paid a $200 loitering ticket.
  • ...your kids’ school counts a flack jacket as a “school supply”.
  • ...you or anyone you know owns a stuffed opossum.
  • ...you have ever made a game of counting broken car windows.
  • ...you are excited about a visit to the area Burger King.
  • ...you have ever gotten into a fight for having a broken leg.
  • ...your kids use terms like pimp and ho and have no idea what they mean.
  • ...you have ever heard gunshots at the courthouse.
  • ...people on the street come up to you and try to sell you realestate.
  • ...you have ever paid for a cab ride to Ford Park because you didn’t feel like all the driving.
  • ...you have ever cleared your schedule for high school football.
  • ...you have ever run for elected office just to get a better place to park.
  • ...you have ever caught a buzz living next to a refinery.