Copyright Since 1971 / League of Everyday Evil, Texas Chapter
"Parodiam In Veritáte"

#BeaumontTX #Parody #southeasttexas

"This is the most shocking place to live"
- Wanda Westend

"Disgusting and crude"
- Brenda Straw

"Worst Reporting since I Don't know when..."
- Harry Palms

"My dog is smarter..."
- Linda Hand

"...If you want to waste your time..."
- N. Klined

Hey Kiddies, we're feelin' mighty festive and askin' all our contributors to send us their Holiday Top 5 lists. Send 'em if ya' got 'em. Otherwise, Ho, ho, ho and shut the hell up. Merry Frickin' X-mas!

Top 5 Causes of Holiday Stress
5. You are told due to budgets, to cut an employee in your department, and you are the only one there.
4. You are standing in a line to get into a store, where you have to stand in a line to check out of.
3. Christmas Cell Phone Ringtones
2. Non Festive Hurricane Damage
1. Skinny Santa Clauses

Top 5 Annoying Holiday Habits
5. Making everything smell like damn cookies...
4. People afraid that some form of the word “Christmas” might offend someone...
3. Cheap crappy gifts covered in red and white fur to look less crappy.
2. People forced to smile “for the damn holidays”.
1. “It’s not damn egg nog, it’s damn melted ice cream!!!”

Top 5 Excuses Your Boss May Have Made About Not Giving a Christmas Bonus This Year
5. “Our Systems were upgraded.”
4. “The Big 3 Automakers are depending on us all.”
3. “The cost of staples and stamps is just outrageous.”
2. “Hurricane Ike effected us all.”
1. “Check out our manager’s new Plasma TV!”

Top 5 Untraceable Unique Free Gifts You Can Just Make Up
5. Fake Certificate for a blade of grass named after someone.
4. Handwritten poem about your recipients left nostril.
3. Printed Crockett Street Gift certificate good for standing in their own personal square foot of space.
2. Handwritten Coupon good for one whole day of being ignored.
1. Parkdale Mall Gift Certificate good for one hour of sitting in a rest area.

Top 5 Holiday Economic Survival Tips
5. In order to cope with the stress of Christmas, liquor stores often have massive clearance sales!
4. Remember that popcorn is cheap, makes some great decorations on the tree, and is filling to keep the quiet during the cartoons.
3. People love antiques, so go ahead and wrap up that old Beta VCR and give It to Aunt Betsy this year.
2. Green and red are Christmas colors, so spoiled leftovers in the icebox can be very festive!
1. If money is tight, remember that Christmas trees are edible.

Top 5 Holiday Bailout Options
5. Big SUVs’ bought back in 2006 now qualify as low cost Summer homes
4. Ultra high 2007 Jefferson County property taxes now deductable as a child care expense.
3. Digital Television now guaranteed viewership as cable utility increase nears yearly household income levels
2. Lone Star Cards now available for CEO/CFO Status
1. Big 3 Car Dealers encouraged to offer Midnight Madness Bake Sales

Top 5 Least Wanted Christmas Bonuses
5. Coupon for Three (3) Spirited Jefferson County Court House Friskings
4. Parkdale Mall Parking Permit
3. Palm “Tree-in-your-name” donated to Ford Park
2. Christmas Stocking filled with Parking Tickets
1. One (1) free legal Hurricane Ike Related consultation at the Stiles Unit (or Gist)

Top 5 Rejected Holiday Gift Ideas
5. Obama Wets-A-Lot Doll
4. Tax-N-Spend Barbie
3. Holiday Poverty CD Collection
2. The All New 2009 Chrysler Bailout SUV
1. Beaumont Bangerz Bling Bouquet

Top 5 New Undisclosed Security Measures taken at the Jefferson County Court House
5. Three words: Bullet Proof Ties
4. Local homeless now have to talk to themselves using handy secret service sleeve mics.
3. Hookers pick up some pocket change as the “Night Patrol”
2. Court House staff now subject to unwarranted Lunch Seizure.
1. Mayor must now wear Kevlar Hair Piece

Top 5 Jefferson County Christmas Buys
5. Cement Guard Dogs that can be chained to your yard
4. Exploding Personal Computers that targets downloaded porn
3. Sweet Sixteen Bratz Tequila Shooters
2. Junior Crockett Street Investors Kit
1. President Obama E-Z Bake Tax Plan

CONGRATS! TO THE STAFF OF THE DINGLEWOOD TIMES! It has come to our attention that we have exceeded our viewership this week, past that of the other news Papers and web sites in southeast Texas:
Dinglewood Times: 354, 243, 987, 566, 987,654 Hits!
The Beaumont Enterprise: 846,543 Hits
The Examiner: 834,321 Hits
The Port Arthur News: 825,654 Hits
The Silsbee Bee: 820,543 Hits
Hardin County News: 819,654 Hits
Southeast Texas Political Review: 818,543 Hits
Sam The Eagle: 618,543 Hits

(These numbers are a complete and total lie, enjoy!)
Free Cookies for the entire staff! (except you, Joe Bob - YOU KNOW WHY!!!)

NEW YORK (AP) — The Long Island Rail Road says service is back on track after delays caused by vandals who stripped copper wire from an electrical connection in Queens. LIRR spokesman Sal Arena says 43 trains were delayed Friday morning by up to 20 minutes. Steel rails are still too heavy to lift.

LONDON, ENGLAND - In news that is hardly surprising, a UK survey has found most single men only change their sheets every three months. Oddley enough, this is also about the length of time between dates of the average single man.

Ten workers at a Southern California warehouse say they were recently suspended indefinitely without pay for taking a five-minute heat break with temperatures exceeding 90 degrees. The workers are employed at Olivet International Mira Loma warehouse, which supplies Walmart, and said they were targeted for raising concerns about the working conditions during the past few months. The rates for the pay toilets are just outrageous.

From time to time, we have to ask the public the hard hitting, serious news questions. We present:
The Dinglewood Times Strippers Poll

74% - They're like family... like the Kardashians!

54% - As educational as Apple Pie.

44% - Should be forced to eat in the Westbrook Cafeteria every Thursday.

34% - They are covering up a lot of secret contracts, selling sodas in the teachers lounge.

24% - they should have their own reality TV series.

According to a math teacher’s calculations, a sample yielded only 1.86 times as much filling between the chocolatey wafers, not “double.” It turns out to be about 1.86% Stuf… maybe .14% belongs to the IRS.

Bank of America has confirmed that the "highly diligent intern" Moritz Erhardt passed away just before completing his summer program in London after allegedly working 72 hours straight. His survivors received half a point of college credit.

TOKYO: In Western countries, they say that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Oddly enough, Japan uses the similar phrase: “Otoko gokoro wo tsukamu ni wa ibukuro kara,” or “you can snatch a man’s heart if you start with his stomach.” This was also the sign on the Adult Novelties Shop on Interstate 10…

BEAUMONT: The South Park Heritage Association has pieced together a collection of Greenies memorabilia in a new museum at 505 W. Florida Avenue. The exhibit is made up solely on donations from past South Park High School graduates. The B.I.S.D. could not be reached for comment, but did offer to send a pan of cornbread for the grand opening.

WASHINGTON – Bill Clinton’s foundation has spent more than $50 million on travel expenses since 2003, an analysis of the non-profit’s tax forms reveal. The web of foundations run by the former president spent an eye-opening $12.1 million on travel in 2011 alone, according to an internal audit conducted by foundation accountants. That’s enough to by 12,000 air tickets costing $1,000 each, or 33 air tickets each day of the year. We’re guessing that he’s not driving around in a Toyota Corolla.

THIS JUST IN: You're house pet may be planning your DEATH! This news story could SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! [FULL STORY]

BEAUMONT, TEXAS – The economic crunch is starting to show in southeast Texas in some of the smaller venues in our area. Indeed from long lines waiting for medicine in the pharmacies and check out lines in stores due to a lower number of available checkers and pharmacists to stale buns and re-warmed food in our local restaurants, the new economy is showing signs. Even the local media is having a few cracks in the iron. As a “trickle-down-crunch” goes, many local radio stations depend on news from the local newspapers and news sources, while the local news papers and news sources depend on news from the local and regional television stations. The local and regional television stations depend on news from large national sources and large national sources depend on news from large resource research groups throughout the country. Many if not most all of the large resource research groups are owned by corporations with deep pockets who can fund research, studies, and opinion polls that influence public opinion and product management. In short, In order to avoid the pitfalls of excess thinking, commercial media advises us to go buy something and spend money we don’t have and some local outlets have a tendency to interpret this as news. Messages such as

“Stimulus check – Buy a new car - Bad economy”

“Tax Refund – 56 inch HDTV – Hurricane Recovery”

“Britney’s New Album – Get Approved Credit – 2000 Laid off”

offer a mixed concept of what is considered “news”. More on this story as it develops.

ROSE CITY, TEXAS - A bit of dust has settled from the current economic crunch at the Dinglewood Times. Lay offs include 5 of our four staff writers and contract finalization of El Crappel Internta~, our outsourced Internet Content Provider. Sales has also been downsized, letting go 4 of our three sales offices. On a positive note, we have bought one (1) box of Mardi Gras beads to be given out to all remaining sponsers in lew of their continued support. To compensate for lost revenue, we will now have to charge our remaining staff for use of our facilities. Paper towles and tissues can now be purchsed in the kitchen for a dollar each. Thanks! More on this story as it develops.

From time to time, we have to ask the public the hard hitting, serious news questions. We present:
The Dinglewood Times Strippers Poll

Would you be effected by the Postal Service if mail delivery stoped on Saturday?
61% - No

41% - Yes

31% - Less junk mail to burn for heat

21% - Should bring back giant Sears Catalogs for Saturday only delivery.

11% - Saturday can now be "Wild Pitbulls in the Streets" Day.


ROSE CITY, TEXAS – Radio station KOOK is still on the air, but listenership is down. Since the layoff of 2011, the station has a much smaller staff, consisting of one sales person, one radio announcer, and five managers. Johnny “Red” Hass has been the announcer at KOOK for over eight years and has an interesting history in broadcasting. In a recent interview, he stated, “Since the layoffs, we’ve been automated so all the phones are on hold and we only take requests on the email now. I record my breaks for about twelve hours and the rest of the time, we let the computer take over”. “You’ve got to drive people to the website”, says Dave McKnobb, Manager of Web Marketing. “The Internet is the future of Radio. People will pay for radio by paying for bandwidth. That way, they also pay for advertising, spam, and bloatware in order to hear the station over the radio. It’s a win-win for everybody!” Red was also telling us about breakdowns that happen in the radio industry, “It’s a bit like we did on the ‘70’s… bits of wire, duct tape and prayer”.

BEAUMONT, TEXAS – According to a recent survey, the average customer to a fancy sit down restaurant is tipping less these days. James Hognutt is a professional waiter has been a career waiter for over five years. According to James, “This economy is just not letting folks tip in a fair and equitable way. For example, I’m fifty eight years old and I am not making nearly as much as Jenny, our waitress. On average, she makes about eleven dollars more a day in tip than I do.”. Jenny Hotness, twenty four, has only been on the job for a year. “Yea, it happens”, according to Jenny. “I think he is just counting the cash – I’m not telling him about the gold watch and new car…”. On average, the regular customer tips about 15 percent of the full amount of the bill, but the truth is, not everybody tips. Or should. The following is a list of reasons from our research department that may result in no tip:

  • The glass was not filled.
  • Waitstaff did not pick up empty dishes from previous customers.
  • Children removed tip from table before waitstaff arrived.
  • Service was poor.
  • Customer left invisible money.
  • Customer is deceased.
  • Wild birds mistook tip for nest building materials.
  • Tip was vaporized by alien death ray.
  • Tip was mistakenly eaten by obese customers.

    JEFFERSON COUNTY, TEXAS – The Reverend Jimmy Giggem was not happy, Sunday morning preaching to congregation. Seemingly, the majority of his ire was from the week beforehand in dealing with recent elections. Several races were highly contested, included Reverend Giggem bid for city counsel. “I personally believe that the general population is nothing but sheep being led by the nose to the nearest shopping mall. It has become very apparent to me and my constituents that our brand of leadership and guidance is not appreciated or wanted. Later, Reverend Giggem could not be reached for comment.

    Fear and Loathing in Beaumont Texas: Part 1
    By Hunter S. Dinglewood

    Gentle reader, I will take you on odyssey of rants and quips and please for the love of all that is holy, if any scrap of this terse tensile text strikes any part of your Jersey Shore addled mind – for God sakes don’t tell anybody. Somehow I sit here and stare at myself in disbelief. How did it come to this? Our town, out state, our country – how did it come to this? Jobs are disappearing faster than free cheesecake samples at a weight watchers convention. Wall Street gladly took our money and didn’t even buy us breakfast the next morning. A big juicy bailout for your bank but where is your paycheck for the electric bill? Did we get rid of these jobs and errands with our dreams of a great society? Great for who? If you can’t work, you can’t eat? We are designed by the big architect himself or herself to run our sad sack like bodies on nutrients. Nutrients that we ourselves have priced beyond our own means. Dammit man, it’s damn bootstrap time! Sink or swim! Don’t depend on the government teat for your feeds. Waiting for a group of people to make a decision for you is like counting flies on the back of a turd, only the catch is you’d be lucky if they let you keep that turd to take home as a bonus.

    When was the last time you heard someone using the word bonus to describe anything Christmas or paycheck related. So that’s it. Desperation in the air. Government pork getting porkyier and the uppercrust finally noticing that the help isn’t as grateful for the minimum wage as they used to be. Sit deep, old sod – we are preparing for a bumpy ride.

    I turned twenty one when my old man kicked me out of the house to make my way in the world. I had a car that ran and thirty three dollars in my pocket – of which, I used ten for gas, three for a meal, and five for a blanket because I knew the back seat, where I was going to sleep for the next couple of nights, was going to a little rough. But you know, I made it. I got a job, I got a check, I got some cash. It’s the golden green paper that makes the damn world go round. I woke up one morning to the sound of someone popping my trunk with a crowbar, in hope there was something of value the could snag for a quick buck. No luck, Johnny – all you’re gonna; get is a face full right fist and dirty boot forcibly placed up your back side. Do you think he learned not to mess the man who was permanently pissed off at the world that day? Not a chance, buttercup. Johnny gotta’ eat, too. If you don’t have a marketable skill, then you try to market whatever skill you’ve got. He got a limp, I got a broken finger. I wasn’t even late for work.

    From time to time, we have to ask the public the hard hitting, serious news questions. We present:
    The Dinglewood Times Strippers Poll

    Should Jefferson County Outlaw Texting while Driving?
    59% - Yes

    49% - No

    39% - Create a special lane for morons

    29% - People with cell phones should not be allowed to buy gas.

    19% - Want a cellphone embedded in their brain

  • The Lost Art of News Collecting:
    The Beaumont Enterprise
    The Examiner
    The Port Arthur News
    The Silsbee Bee
    Hardin County News
    Southeast Texas Political Review